Character Profiles

There is no shortage of interesting people at the gym. Here are some profiles of the "elite" members where The Doke and The Doke's Apprentice (tda) work out.

It's obvious that a person at the gym will show off every now and again. However, Junior takes "showing off" to the next level. One of the most memorable of his exercises was something I took the liberty of naming The Cone Jump. In this drill, Junior sets up an orange cone and in a single bound leaps as far as he can. As soon as he lands he jumps straight up, pulling his feet under him and grunting (of course). This wouldn't be so bad if he would do it on the sidelines of the basketball court rather than in front of the hotties on the cardio machines. So very blatant. So very sad.

Dubbed "Junior" because of his vertical impairment, he is sighted quite often, seeing how he is employed by the gym. Oh, I should also mention he once did a fake-out move while walking across the gym floor and pretended to catch a football. No, I didn't tackle him. But I wanted to.

Pronounced "el-squared", he has been nominated for "8th Wonder of the World" on three separate occasions and his chances look good this year. From the way he drones on about the latest and greatest supplements, many suspect he's a nutritionist. In reality he is a financial advisor trapped in a bodybuilder's body. He will readily offer investment tips, but if you're lucky he may also give you priceless bodybuilding nuggets like "benching is good for your chest".

A little known fact about L² is that he actually invented bodybuilding but doesn't take credit for it. In addition people have claimed that he was Arnold's stunt double in T2. We researched this and discovered that Arnold was actually L²'s stunt double.

This character profile is a two for one deal because these two "manimals" always work out together (hopefully it doesn't go deeper than that).  Now, once in a while we all want to max out and show off to everyone how much we can lift, but these two take that thought process to a whole new level.  They like to show off (or try to show off) every time they step into the gym.  They do this with two primary lifts:

    (1) 1/3 Bench Press
    (2) 1/10 Leg Press

Keep in mind throughout this that their max bench is probably around 250 and their max leg press is about 450.

These two first saddle up on the bench and decide to just get nasty.  They start out with a couple warm ups at about 185 and 225.  Then they decide to slowly work up through 275, 315 and 405 pounds.  The way they do this is the partner not lifting first helps unrack the bar then the bencher lowers the bar about 2 inches below the start position and then powers it back up.  This is accompanied with grunts and sweat along with looks around the gym to make sure people are seeing their epic feat.

Then it is leg press time.  After a decent warm up why not put 10 plates on each side (900 pounds without sled weight) and GET IT ON!!!  This exercise consists of about 3 inches of movement and again more grunts.  Sometimes they will get really scary and add couple more plates to the top of the sled (that happens only heavy workout days).

These exercises along with "I-have-90-pounds-around-my-waist-so-push-me-up pullups", "vertical-to-parallel pulldowns" and "why-is-200-the-heaviest-dumbell tricep extensions" make Bert and Ernie powerlifting legends at the gym.  Also, visualize these are two men in their 40's wearing tight tank tops and tight sweat pants and the picture has been fully painted.

What can be said about this "In-Demand Stud" that hasn't already been written?  Close your eyes and picture this (wait open them or else you can't read).  A balding older man with a tight tank top that was obviously bought in the women's section and short jean shorts.  Let me note one thing about this guy so you can fully understand where I am coming from.  One Friday at the gym I saw him working out in this attire then later on at the bar that night he had on the exact same clothes.  Now you understand why this guy makes the character list.

This is the guy in the gym that walks around like his lats are as wide as a semi trailer when obviously they aren't.  He enjoys doing upwards of 60 sets of close grip bench and pushdowns because we all know that the tricep muscle makes up 2/3 of the arm mass.  He also likes to take part in a hardcore exercise known as "mirror posing".  This can get a little distracting because it causes an influx of women to swarm him which can be distracting in the gym.

He also moonlights as a limo driver as I came to find out during one crazy bachelor party I attended (which has some stories of its own that I will fail to mention in this profile).  So if you ever see this "man beast" walking down the sidewalk it would be in your best interest to cross the road because it is unknown what he will do or what he will smell like.  I don't know if he actually ever changes clothes.

This is the self-proclaimed bodybuilder/powerlifter/personal trainer/know-it-all in the gym.  If you need to know ANYTHING that relates to you staying alive this is definately the man you should consult.  I spend 1 hour to 1 1/2 hours in the gym each day and this guy is always in there before me and still there when I leave, mainly walking around giving people advice on certain lifts.  The weirdest thing is I have only seen him do a few different exercises: cable crossovers, pushdowns, seated dumbbell curls and pullups.  One body part he must be allergic to is legs because I have never seen him do any type of leg movement and it shows.

One of his favorite pastimes in the gym is to stand around after his workout and sip on his protein shake in the middle of the workout area.  It  takes him upwards of half an hour to have a protein shake most normal people can drink in 2 minutes.  He loves advertising his prowess.

To get a good picture of this guy think of "Fievel goes west" with a tank top, ball cap and striped zumaz.  He works out with different people a lot and the reason is because when people do workouts with him they just get BURIED.  You are lucky if you don't leave the gym in a body bag... so join him and his posse at your own risk.  Don't say I didn't warn you.